“Hey Stranger, Have a Great Day!”
We use the word “engagement” a lot. It seems as though being fully engaged in what we are doing is the ultimate goal. Yet, we live in a world full of distractions. A world in which a beep on your phone or an alert on your watch has the power to distract even the most focused or engaged person. Nowadays, we are able to be more connected to people than ever. Within seconds, we can send a message across the world to connect with a friend or through social media see what someone is doing and perhaps send an emoji in response. Nonetheless, we are also simultaneously living in a time in which the prevalence of loneliness is skyrocketing. While our goal to be fully engaged at work is admirable, the goal of being present and fully engaged in our connections with others is a necessity.
Just before the pandemic, I would take an hour-long train ride to Toronto three times a week. Then, I would walk 45 minutes to my office. It was a long commute but for someone deeply interested in human dynamics, it was fascinating. During my commute, I saw how cell phones, computers, and earbuds allowed people to stay within their own little world while surrounded by others. I noticed that people rarely engaged with others on the train or when they walked down the street. Sometimes people would have a phone call and others were forced to listen to a one-sided conversation while pretending that they were not hearing what was being said.
As I walked to work, I used to play a game. I would take my earbuds out and intentionally look at people as they walked past me. I would give myself a point for every person who looked at me. If they did make eye contact, I would smile; I would earn 2 points for every smile that was returned. It saddened me deeply how few points I could earn.
So, I upped the ante. I decided that I would try to high-five people and wish them a wonderful day as I walked. I began very nervously; randomly engaging with a stranger took a lot of courage. However, once I found success with the first few people, it gave me the incentive to continue. Before I knew it, I was a high-fiving machine. In return, people smiled, laughed and wished me a great day as well. At times people would stop and tell me that they needed that connection. Sometimes people would hug me. There was gratitude and warmth with honest human emotions. My endorphins were running high.
It was one thing to do this while walking, but could I do this on a packed train with people standing side by side in the aisles? Yep! It got to the point that I could tap someone on the shoulder and say, “High five, pass it on!” The high fives would continue down the row of standing commuters. If someone didn’t continue the high five, then the crowd on the train would boo and someone else would pick it up. The collective goal became to have the high fives reach from one end of the train to the other. What was a silent train started to fill with laughter. People began conversations. We were no longer individuals; we were a group with a shared experience. It was beyond anything I imagined ever doing and so far from my first nervous high five. Once I got the bug to connect with people, there became no limit to how I could find that connection.
What I discovered was that I was happier. Friends who were dragged into this with me started doing it on their own as well and they said it made them happier. I no longer walked by people without noticing them. I could read a person from a distance to see if they might be open to a high five. I paid attention to people. They were not a blur walking by me. They were human beings with feelings and needs.
Those human beings also needed to feel connected. Some told me they were lonely and that I was the first person they had talked with all day. Some had recently moved to Toronto and felt invisible. Others said that the simple act of someone connecting and wishing them a good day helped them and they knew that their day would be a better one. Stern faces turned to beautiful smiles. I was a recipient of warmth and connection. It became an addiction.
Then Covid happened. The idea of high-fiving a stranger was verboten. We retreated to our homes and isolated even more. We made attempts to feel connected to people on Zoom; it worked sometimes. We are all still working ourselves back into the idea of connecting to strangers. A study determined that 36% of teens and young adults reported that they were lonely after Covid. It was 25% before Covid. Even 25% is a disheartening statistic. While there are many reasons for this loneliness, being fully engaged with family, friends and even strangers could be a partial solution.
Our new world encourages us to be less engaged with other people. We can check out our own groceries. We use the drive-thru for our coffee, prescriptions and meals. And if we don’t want to get into our cars, there are a multitude of ways to have your meals delivered to you. You can use your phone to pay and never have personal contact with the person who brought your meal to you. When we want to book a flight, we can simply search for the flights and book it ourselves. If someone wants to attend a church service, once a hub for community engagement, they can now do so virtually from their homes. While attending that service, they may also check their online banking, scroll on social media, and reply to emails. We can do all that without ever having to speak with someone.
In general, we try to do many things at once. We return texts while in meetings. We listen to music or podcasts while we are walking. We google actors' names while watching movies. We even take our phones into the washroom just in case we need to be reached. We have a constant barrage of information coming at us. Our heartbeat changes when we hear a ding on our phone or when an Instagram post resonates with us. But that rush is temporary. It is human connection that helps us thrive.
It is hard to be fully present for anything these days. The act of being fully present or fully engaged is going to help us connect with others but also feel greater value in ourselves. There are so many things luring us away from this singular focus. However, that is the prescription to greater happiness. Take the time to observe the world around you. Look at the people who you walk by and wonder who they might be. Be curious. Be present. Be engaged. If you feel brave enough, wish a stranger a great day.
Claire Barron